The Cancer of Hair Shame
My hair shame story started as a 14-year-old moving halfway across the country. Making new friends, negotiating a new high school, and trying to make good grades with new teachers were hurdles, no doubt. But my number one problem was,
Who the hell is gonna do my hair?
My hair was screaming for a retouch that never came. Eventually, my hair started to break off. With no working knowledge of what my hair needed, I unwittingly made it worse by pulling it tight into a bun every day. I hoped no one would notice as I walked the halls at school. I nailed the Chino pants, Mia clogs, and a Member’s Only jacket for my assimilation strategy. Unfortunately they weren’t potent enough to shield me from a hair bully.
She was a girl with skin like mine, that didn’t know my story and didn’t care. She delighted in slipping ‘anonymous’ notes into the louvers of my locker to inform me of how ugly and embarrassing my hair had become. That’s when a ball of shame began to form inside me like a tumor, that I carried into adulthood—college, relationships, career, life.
Most every black woman has her own story of how the seed of hair shame began for them. What are the subtle clues that the seed remains?
- Broken teeth on your comb or missing bristles in your brush. How hard we try to get our coils to lay flat.
- Body language in the form of a scrunched up face, when we detangle or separate the hair.
- The words we chose when we describe our crowns: Nappy. Coarse. Wiry. Hard.
For some, hair shame is not only felt, but passed to others. There are many great, caring stylists out there. But there are some that have the dishonor of being the worst purveyors of shame. Detangling should not cause whiplash and breakage. Braids don’t have to be so tight to cause baldness. Fingernails are not needed to exfoliate our delicate scalps. Blisters from one more minute of that relaxer is not worth getting our hair bone straight.
Why does this happen?
No one is immune to the effects of a society that historically hasn’t celebrated our coily tresses, not even some professional stylists. Many black clients (including myself) have suffered judgement, condescension, heavy-handedness, overly tight braids, burnt hair and blistered scalps. And for what? To make our tresses “acceptable” by some arbitrary standard.
How do we break the cycle of hair shame?
Start with acceptance. We are 100%. We are complete. This is how we are made. Once this happens and seeps into our psyche, self-love comes next. Once that manifests, things really start to happen:
- Detangling becomes like meditation. Detangling in the shower is magnificent, a calming experience with the force of the warm water and your fingers.
- Your touch suddenly becomes gentle because you don’t have to manhandle your hair to do anything it doesn’t want to do.
- Styling brings joy because all the things you hated about your hair, suddenly are a key to your uniqueness.
- Your confidence exudes with your authentic presentation. Because there is only one you and we can all see her. This spills onto our children, partners, relatives, and friends.
As this mindset comes into focus, the hair that was the center of the universe suddenly steps down and becomes the supporting actress. She is allowed to just be a crown that adorns the Queen that wears it.
If you are struggling with getting to natural hair freedom, 1 on 1 coaching may be a good option for you. Everyone has unique hair challenges. Coaching can bring clarity and direction in the way of products, styling, and living day-to-day in naturally textured hair.
Book a discovery call with me to learn how!
