The Gaslighting of Relaxed Hair

Getting a bad hand in the hair type genetics game of chance can become a quest for altering or concealing something that makes us who we are. For some, the path of least resistance has been to create the illusion of “good hair”, by straightening or relaxing, or concealing with fake braids, hairpieces, or wigs.

Anything but my own hair

How do I know this? I lived it. I felt the pain of feeling ugly and undesirable, all because of my tightly coiled hair. As a young girl, a towel on my head served as a “wig” that I would swing around to pretend I was beautiful.

As a teen, I carried a load of desperation to the salon every six Saturdays to get the obligatory relaxer touch-up. It was the monkey on my back not letting me swim at the pool or the beach. As a woman, I felt I had to maintain the burden, to fit in at the office and look professional or to be desirable to a man. I did this for decades, until I finally said, “Enough”.

But what was the straw that broke the camel’s back?

The relaxer’s unfilled promise

Deep down I began to see how my own thought patterns about my relaxed hair were gaslighting me about how straight hair could influence my life. I finally realized through my life experiences, that as a black woman, my straight hair will not protect me. Discrimination, micro-aggressions, or feelings of isolation at work were still present in my life.

My relaxed hair was not going to allow me to playfully go for a swim on a whim or help me be more accepted in certain circles. It wasn’t going to guarantee that I’d find love. Relaxed hair wasn’t going to put my on an express train to the corner office, let alone a promotion. My relaxed hair certainly wasn’t going to prevent people from stereotyping who I was, how I’m supposed to talk, or the things that interest me.

Natural hair freedom

It occurred to me, if I have to experience all this anyway, why am I trying to conform to a beauty standard that is not ME? I’m still going to have to deal with being black on an everyday basis. So why not stop the harsh chemicals, the hair damage, the breakage. Why not just walk out of the relaxer prison door and be free of the self-imposed obligation I found myself in?

I finally decided after 30 years, to let myself be who I was and let my hair grow out of my scalp the way it was meant to. And as it did, my tight coils became less important. I learned that all hair no matter it’s physical shape or form, needs the same things.

Hair Type? Human.

So if someone were to ask me “what is your hair type?” My one-word answer is “Human”. Objectifying it in this way takes the power away from categorizing “good hair” as it relates to texture. At the end of the day, hair is hair, literally. And all hair needs the same things—moisture/protein balance and TLC. And my own hair is not just good, it’s uniquely mine and I’m proud to show it to the world.

Do you have relaxed hair and your natural hair is a stranger to you? It’s okay, you just need to get reacquainted with her and learn how to respond to what she needs.

Introducing The Confident Coils Blueprint. It will provide the knowledge you need to slowly transition–no big chop needed. While you are transitioning, you will receive:

• Course that will walk you through and set expectations for a one-year transition
• Coaching for products, styles, and maintenance
• Exclusive support in a private group
• Natural hair coaching
• Other fun tools

Sign up to get on the priority list when the course is available!