Black Women and the Perfectionism Trap

Black women are often thought of as one of the most resilient demographic groups there is. But our resiliency is often built upon us being challenged in so many ways and striving for survival. It’s like when you do strength training at the gym—you lift heavy shit, and build bigger muscles. The same goes for the black woman’s psyche, and perfectionism is often the result.

Society so often checks us for how we are seen:

• We are often profiled as potential shoplifters as we browse through stores.
• We are routinely passed over for promotions or plum assignments because we are seen as combative.
• We suffer on payday due to a large pay gap as compared to white men.
• Our physical features are commonly maligned as “non-feminine.”

It’s no wonder then that we try to affect how we are externally perceived, to give ourselves a fighting chance of proving who we are on the inside. And thus, the perfectionist trap is locked and loaded.

Perfectionism at church and school

For many of us, this starts as little girls going to church. Sunday was the day to dress to the nines, patent-leather Mary Janes, day one of fresh hairstyles, and edges laid with Mom’s saliva. It was almost sacrilege to go to church otherwise. And if we couldn’t look the part, we just didn’t go.(shhhh 🤫)

Perfectionism accelerates in school with each impending grade. The right clothes, the right friends, the right hair, the right nails, the right body. And also, the right classes, the right college aspirations, the right credentials, the right career. We feel the need to constantly prove ourselves to the outside world.

To overcome the hurdle of bias, we have to overachieve to be on par with everyone else. Our multiple successes stack up to create a survival tactic to deflect from microaggressions and discrimination that we have been subjected to throughout our lives.

Hair perfectionism

Our hair is no exception. God forbid we should go to church, school, or a job interview, with “unkempt” hair. But that doesn’t necessarily mean “messy”. Back in the day that meant anything that isn’t straight, especially the generation that grew up with Cindy Brady and Charlie’s Angels (you know who you are.)

But despite the natural hair movement progression, if the style is not “on point”, that can be a problem for some. Edges not laid, frizz, curls not defined…these are things that can bring on denegration, even amongst our own people.

The relaxer obligation cycle trapped me for decades. I really believed that my relaxed hair was the only way it could look presentable and make me acceptable in my various circles of white friends, colleagues, and community.

When I started my natural hair journey, I didn’t go into it thinking I was challenging the notion of my own definition of perfectionism. Frankly, I just grew tired of having my relaxed hair and all that goes into it, be top of mind all the time.

The crumbling façade

The more comfortable I became with getting to know my natural hair, the more the idea of hair perfectionism crumbled. How you ask?

• I wear wash & go’s 90% of the time, reset weekly. By day 5 or6, frizz starts to appear. I have grown to like my frizz. It makes my hair bigger and gives my style body and shape. It’s not all about definition anymore.
• I can go on vacation and actually swim with my hair out and still feel attractive and at ease poolside with my coils. The idea of this was unheard of back in the day. Having a consistent moisture protocol has made all the difference in the world in how my hair shows up without products.
• I always have a plan B at the ready for any situation with my hair. I have the confidence to deal with any “hair fail” situation and the knowledge that I will feel beautiful regardless.

The notion of imperfect hair has provided one of the most important aspects of my natural hair life. That is, my hair no longer sits on a pedestal to be waited on hand and foot. Instead, she has stepped down and serves as my trusty sidekick.

I don’t try to control her beyond her abilities, I have learned the hard way that she will fight back if I do. I respect her for who she is, but she lets the real me shine through unapologetically.

Finding peace from perfectionism

Black women, listen up on in the back. Don’t let perfectionism steal your individualism. Achieve what fills you up, but stop trying to do it all for the sake of acceptance. Find peace with all aspects of you, because there is no one else just like you.

When you are patient with yourself, you are loving who you are. If you see yourself through a perfectionist lens, chill and let your hair down (pun intended.) Give yourself some grace, especially if you get so little of it from those around you.